Marco’s visit, my Mom’s birthday, formaldehyde and human stupidity.

What is the link between my Portuguese friend’s visit to Cluj/Kolozsvar, my Mom’s birthday and formaldehyde, used to preserve corpses (dead people)?

4 a.m. I arrive home. I say good-bye to Marco. He’s leaving to Bistrita/Beszterce today. I can’t just let him go empty handed, so I promise him some good old pear palinka.

11.45 a.m. I wake up with quite a hangover, slowly walk towards the bathroom and I start removing last night’s smoke and booze stench.

12.00 a.m./p.m. I say Happy Birthday to my mom and afterwards start having lunch (or breakfast. I don’t really know which of the two). Around 13.p.m. I should meet Marco and wish him a safe journey.

12.45 p.m. I open the door from the food storage. I forget to turn on the lights. A couple of bottles of pear and plum palinka should be on the ground somewhere. I should check which one is the one I promised.

12.55 p.m. Ten minutes have past since I’ve been holding onto the toilet-seat, as hard as I can. The whole of my stomach and insides are violently shaking while the heretic contractions of my diaphragm increase the urge to vomit, but it doesn’t happen. The finger method isn’t working either. My throat, mouth cavity and respiratory system are burning. No moment passes, without me spitting. My saliva and mucus meet below my nose. My mom rushes with a jar of milk. I drink half a liter of it and take a couple of carbon tablets. One glass after the other, the water slowly starts reducing the pain and burning. It still burns like hell. I start swearing and for the first time in my life I really panic, as I just drank poison. The repulsing vapors that start coming out of me make my eyes water. My diaphragm starts to reduce its contractions. My eyesight is blurry my head starts to spin…I get up, drink another glass of water and finish the milk. In the sink, the spilled bottle of formaldehyde…

13.25 p.m. My brother rushes me to the Emergency. I slowly start to recover on the way and I actually start laughing at the stupidity I’ve just done. Maybe it’s because of the side-effects of the poison ;). I casually walk in the No.1 Emergency hospital in Cluj/Kolozsvar. I talk to a nurse. What happened to you sir? – Oh, not much. I just took a sip of formaldehyde and I heard that it is quite poisonous. – You did what?!?! The nurse panics and they rush me in a room and pull the curtains. A dozen of doctors, nurses and practicing medical students gather around me. Meanwhile I start feeling better and I’m already thinking of flirting with a couple of the young nurses. Well sir. We will have to unfortunately give you an enema. My smile fades in an instance. No thank you. I will not undergo such a violation of my body. The idea of having a couple of pipes going up my most intimate parts quickly put me back on my feet. I explained them every little detail. How much, when and what did I take. They gathered around for a second. Okey. You were lucky this time. You won’t have any further complications, because it wasn’t a big dose. You have to go and get your throat checked.

13.45 p.m. While the doctor is examining my throat, I’m looking at the blond nurse. AAA…EEE…OOOO…I start yammering at the doctor’s orders, while he holds my tongue with a piece of cloth. Hmm…your vocal cords are somewhat swollen. A little Tantum Verde (Green Tantum, or something like that) will get you better. That’s why you have such a rugged voice.

14.30 p.m. We’ve just bought my mom’s present. I can’t yet feel the laxative’s effect, but it seams like everything is just fine 😀


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