A simple question… and then again not a simple answer. What makes us human? What is it that distinguishes us from animals and states, that yes the respective on is a human. Where is the human in us or who is that? You wake up in the morning, smile, maybe with bored steps go to work and maybe you even stop by the university, or perhaps just meet a couple of your mates somewhere. Is this enough to call yourself a human being? There are dreams, ideals and goals, and often you ask the question if all of these have a reason. Dreaming, the attempt to live not only for today but for the accomplishment of your dreams makes you human. And then is this the right way? You have only one life and that’s short and few are the moments when you can truly be happy. Or the fact that you seek affection just like anyone on this planet makes you human. Many don’t realize it or just started living with the thought… Affection. What else do you need to become human and be able to say it out loud? Everyone goes to sleep at night and many stare at the empty space near them. And maybe they imagine the person of their dreams lying there. And it’s so hard when you meet it. Probably I’m the creation of someone’s dreams and there are people who wonder in my dreams. It’s difficult to break away from many things in life, and not her hair, her body’s scent or just her gentle breasts. But it’s hard to separate from a dream. What would’ve my first reaction been today, than “well yes, a bitch”. And we settled everything with this, right? Or maybe not. Who are we to judge others if we don’t even know ourselves. She played with my head and the minds of others or maybe she’s just living her crazy life as any other youngster. And yet again the question arises if we just have to take life simply as it is, we don’t think about people getting hurt just by us playing with their heads. Question if I haven’t already done that. Because there is someone who even after two years cries for you and says a prayer. And then you sometimes look inside yourself and wonder if you hadn’t just thrown away this person from your side. You imagine her as the mother of your children, as the loving wife who jumps in your arms after a hard day’s work, who will raise your blood. And now even after two years you feel that you can always trust her. And still the flaming passion lurks deep inside you. You know that you cannot trust HER and never could and you cannot imagine her as the mother of your children and something tells you that your life would be a pain besides her. And still the desire burns in you that she’s the one you want. Why her?
At this very moment it’s hard to tell if I feel something for her besides the wild urge to be with her. Because when you confront a dream it’s hard to start believing again. And I’m standing here with another question, ‘cause I know if I choose her path many hearts will be broken and I could tread many souls. And maybe this is the road I’ll choose but I don’t know the answer why. Why is this desire to play with someone’s soul so contaminating? I don’t know…
Human … sometime from now a wiseass will try to define this word. But he won’t find an answer, because he won’t be able to. Because this is a word that cannot be but into letters.
A sentence that I heard today grabbed my attention. Not long ago I spoke to one of my girlfriends whom I can tell what do I sometimes feel about this world and that occasionally I write. We were searching for an answer to life and its meaning. A very simple thought from her. Maybe if you just influence someone’s life and give him a pinch of inspiration to accomplish his own dreams it was worth living, like a human.
Kolozsvár (Cluj-Napoca) 19th of June 2007