You’re treading the mud….

You’re treading the mud….with hasty and heavy steps heading home in a small grey village….mud everywhere. Only the sound of dogs’ barking disturbs the eerie silence…and a wondering man. You hurry, ‘cause you know the moment that triggered this all already passed. As soon as possible you have to shed it on paper…You’re sitting here with and old pencil in your hand, writing on a piece of wrapping paper…It’s almost dawn. The guilt that you’ve just broken a strand of flower lives in you. It’s painful when someone is madly in love with you, would even give her life for you and you just push her away…You’ve changed. The sad and grumpy old man’s face emerged once again. Someone cries for nights in a row under a wrinkled blanket and prays for you and you just let this person on her own…. At the entrance of a small crumbling provincial bar have you truly spoken to her since you broke up, although you’ve seen her for days. You stare lengthily at her long hair running over her shoulders, her darkening strands of hair. Memories from the past invade your eyes. Summer nights on a Moon lit hillside…two youngsters coddled together…You smile but can’t say two words to her. You slowly head towards an old tree trunk and sit down. A corner full of memories where you wait to see her reaction. She slowly sits on your knees and falls in your arms. You only now feel the pressuring weight of what you’ve done. With a scared grasp you embrace her and press her body next to yours. Her long and silky hair runs over your shoulders. She commences in a slow and silent cry, her tiny teardrops fall on your hands… small, warm tears from a child’s heart…You just sit there, a numb old aged, and don’t even dare say a word…you tightly embrace her and in a soft voice ask her not to cry…She doesn’t listen to you… Amongst her silent sniffles a stream of tears poor into your hands. You realize that for the first time in your life you’ve truly broken someone, threw her away. Just hold her small gentle body, ‘cause you know that this is the last time when you’ll feel her warmth next to you. A kiss on her forehead and you slowly wipe her tears. “Breaking up will be easy”, that’s what you thought moreover you bragged to the others that if you want to, you can get together again. How foolish could you be?… By choice you’d merge with the dust of the road just not live with the thought that you’ve torn apart someone. Words are hard to find…In this cold and ruff world, her childish smile and pure soul was the escape you needed, and you just kicked all of this away from you, destroyed it…It’s to hard for her. You can’t even think and just stare at her soft crying face. A couple of words come out of your mouth, a last embrace and with a cold and seemingly alien kiss say good bye…You head home, treading the endless sea of mud. Why did you leave her? You cannot find an answer yet to this question, bust something deep inside you just didn’t want her anymore… Maybe this is what you were longing for, to feel the bitter taste of it all. A couple of moans, but there’s no answer…the mud splashes under your shoes. And you just wonder as a stray dog. I became a wonderer.

Szászdányán (Daia), 6th of August 2006

 

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