Hours go by and I’m standing here idle… Maybe it’s one of those days. I woke up this way. Hundreds and hundreds of thoughts flicker in my mind but I cannot hold on to any of them. Tomorrow is my fist Dutch exam. I can’t really motivate myself. All my papers are sitting here in front of me and I’m just looking at them… I haven’t seen Alex either for two days now. I would need a hug in this moment. I look out of the window… An old tree’s leaves move dully in the wind. It’s a little bit cloudy… We’re just looking at each other. The old tree and I. Non of us say a word…It looks like I still didn’t find my place. I don’t know if I chose the right path… Many dreams that I would like to accomplish. Dreams that sometimes scare me. Why am I sometimes scared of my own dreams? … Sometimes they don’t let me rest and I cannot decide which one to pursue and which one not… But momentarily I’ll just sit idle for a while. I don’t even want to look around, yet again think but somehow I still want to write. Not a single wise thought comes into my mind but it’s not really necessary. I feel like a stranger today… Tomorrow probably I’ll wake up with a smile on my face, the exam will probably be successful or not. Probably I’ll embrace her with joy or not. But today I’m just sitting grey not saying a word. I’m feelin’ blue. Even these lines seem hard to write because I cannot gather a decent thought. The lamp sitting at my left hand is not in a joyful state either. My drawings on the wall, but I don’t feel like making sketches today. Once again I look out of the window. Red and grey rooftops, grey sky and an old guard, who looks at me again with his centenary wisdom. We just stare at each other but words are left aside. Often it’s not good to say anything. Just sit. Look around for a second…

Utrecht, 8th of October 2007



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